Notes on Sitting in Silence
Today is Sunday.
On Sundays, we make time for church, house chores, gathering with friends, getting an early start in dinner, preparing for another week of work and school (although our school year is ending Tuesday *yay!*), or getting into something fun. #SundayFunday, right?
Well, not every Sunday goes that way for me and my household. I don’t attend church but I do catch up on some spiritual reading, I do some housework that have been begging for my attention for days, weeks...sometimes even months! I may hang out with friends and throw something in the Crockpot to have done when I come home. Or I may even get out to do something: shopping, make a visit, or attend a street festival like the one that Philly has every year around this time. Odunde’ is an African street festival held in South Philly every June. There are hundreds of street vendors, food trucks, dancers, artists and live music coming around every corner and the beats of hand drums and ten thousand conversations from people whom come from all over the tri-state (sometimes even further) stay with you long after leave. I absolutely LOVE it, however, the constant rain we are having today kept me away and inside.
So today, my self care Sunday looks like this: journaling on the carpet with LevanaNINE's "Crescent Phase" candle, some vanilla peppermint tea surrounded by some great vinyl. My dog, Felix is feeling the vibes. Haha.
I inherited my dad's album collection when he passed 5 years ago.
The tote that I sourced these records from has so much greatness in it!! From Luther, Etta, and Frank Sinatra to Whitney, Minnie, and The OJay's...I can't wait to finally them back on display and in arm's reach.
The school year is ending and we all have been feeling it's pressure it comes with. Finals and making distinguished honors have been all the talk with my oldest. Aliyah, my middle, is graduating from junior high and is going to Quebec with her French class for 5 days (hides anxiety) and my baby is transitioning from elementary to 6th grade. We are knee deep in text books, returning overdue library books, scrambling to pack and making emotional goodbyes to friends.
We are ALL ready for summer break! It has been a LONG school year. But we made it through. I am grateful.
Lately, I have been learning to be still and silent.
Being still and silent and sitting with emotions and feelings helps me be more comfortable with extended solitude which I have shown signs of having anxiety with and, sort out exactly why I'm feeling the way I am. I know it's normal for humans to want other human connection or to feel apart but I need to learn to be ok with not being connected all the time.
I am three weeks post breakup from a relationship. It was sudden and unexplained which threw me inward, immediately placing the cause on me, even though I hadn't done anything wrong that was apparent. But in the following weeks, I learned it wasn't as sudden and unexplained after all. In retrospect, ( I love retrospect learning) it was building up to it I had all the answers to my why just by remembering conversations, and treatment of each other and behaviors I was willing to accept...just to be connected. I'm a lunar Taurus by every single detail. I LOVE connection and relationships, especially ones that bring comfort and stability, and when they are ended it throws me off in a major way.
I learned all of this being still...and silent enough to hear the answers.
I miss him and this is ok.
The Buddhists believe that attachment is the root to all emotional suffering. I agree.
So, while being attached is very human, I must learn to have healthy attachments and learn when to let go when it does not serve me or visa versa. That goes for people, things and places. and even emotions. We often hold onto emotions that are not driving us to be in better spaces, even when the root of the emotion is long gone.
The soul tie that I am trying to sever may be connected again, but not until I have done the heart work to heal and learn to be ok with it just being me.
I challenge everyone to sit in silence for a few minutes everyday.
What did you hear?